Okay, boys. It’s time to grow up and stop being a little bitch about your face. It’s time to put some good product on to improve that mug. And I’m talking proper makeup, not the stuff brands put out to cater to the fragile male ego. Case in point: the newly launched Boy de Chanel makeup range from the French house. Sure, it’s gorgeous, matte, and dark blue – but come on. I know better, the ladies know better, and it’s about damn time you guys did too.
One of the biggest goals we universally share – gender regardless – is clear skin. Pimples are agender assholes and will besmirch anyone it bloody well pleases. Redness knows no chromosomal boundaries. Complexion is human, and it would behove you to cover up blemishes. The men’s product from Chanel is touted as a tinted fluid (pussy-footed, foundation is foundation) with four shades. Four! In the age of Fenty beauty, inclusivity is de rigueur and four shades is an obscene exercise of some kind of privilege.
Instead, head the way of the brand’s similarly-packaged and very excellent Les Beiges Healthy Glow Gel Touch Foundation. This range, which swaps the brand’s black and white scheme for beige, is built around the idea of a healthy summer glow. Nothing dramatic, obvious, or conspicuous. Just good skin. The foundation wears incredibly lightweight with light coverage – just enough to blur the lines between unfair genetics and an extended vacation. And its cushion form factor makes it effortless to apply – you quite literally slap it on. Lighter to wear still is the BB Cream from the range which, besides smelling divine, is sheer and looks natural with SPF for sun protection.
And, if you’re daring enough to venture into powders: the Les Beiges powders are some of the best in the business. No one can quite say what they are, but they straddle finishing and bronzing powders very finely. Translation: a light once-over will keep you from getting oily and make you look the tiniest bit tanner and thereby healthier.
If you’re a man who needs a “FOR MEN” on his lip balm, then we are dangerously on the verge beyond hope. Lips are lips are lips. Dry lips are dry, cracked lips are cracked, and all lips enjoy hydration via lip balm. I wholly recommend going drugstore because these things get lost and misplaced all the time and there’s nothing to make you feel more stupid than losing a tiny tube of waxy lanolin/beeswax/petroleum jelly that you've paid upwards of $50 for.
That said, if you want to go the treat yourself route, there are better options. Since you’re already willing to pay too much, jump to the high end and go for Clé de Peau Beauté’s Lip Serum. This dinky little SGD118, 15ml tube is a lip treatment on steroids. It uses golden silk essence, Japanese pearl extracts, and applies with a dedicated metal applicator to help you massage the product in. And it works. I know this because your lips will feel minty cold when you’ve put it on, and after a few regular nights of use you won’t even need a lip balm to keep them soft, smooth, and supple. That’s a real flex.
First of all, a man is likely to be better off buying a pair of Tweezermans before trying to draw anything else above his eyes. Second, eyebrow pencils are very prone to haphazard results in untrained hands. Critical takeaway: people are going to know if you’ve drawn it poorly if you don’t have a practiced hand.
Invest, instead, in an equally luxurious and sordidly indulgent Brow Gel from Tom Ford. Take it from a man who’s been around the block and found a soulmate in the product. It’s long-wearing, sets so it doesn’t move, looks natural, fills, thickens, and defines the brows, and takes an effortless five swipes through each brow tops.
Point to note: Ford’s men’s line is very good. No surprise considering the man’s personal vanity. But if you’re looking that way, I strongly urge you put down the Neroli Portofino that GQ and every other men’s glossy have been pushing for years and grab a tube of his terrific Bronzing Gel. It does a similar thing as the Chanel powder previously mentioned, but in a more malleable texture that you can simply rub onto your face. It says ‘For Men’ on the tube but women love it and chances are you will too. It’s so good I’ll let this one ‘For Men’ slide.